So you got pregnant. And now you are a wonderful miracle of nature, so naturally, you need to talk about it. Endlessly. To everyone you know. And everyone you don't. Since your friends and family are running away from you and your creative spirit cannot be contained, the idea comes at night, like an angel spreading his sweet wings on you. "I know!" you think. "I am going to be a mommy blogger!!!" You can earn some extra money for the little blessing and give everyone advice about the things you know nothing about, and maybe get some free products on the way ("to review"). But you need to establish your position first! What is the most trendy mommy style today? Are we breastfeeding-babyleadweaning until the end of times (or kid in college, whatever comes first)? Maybe this is too last year and you will be more mom than anyone else, chemical-free, lotus birthing and filming your at-home-no-medication-or-doctors or any reasonable modern technology advance anywhere near you or your beautiful poor public instagrammed baby? Or better yet, you will be a pro-safety sleep-training Montessori hyper-intense organic vegan attachment-parenting mother? Or maybe you will just settle with being a Crunchy Karen mom and post anything from antivaxxing to flat-earthing with a huge dose of essential oils and Bach flowers?
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I truly, really, positively hate them. I am not talking about the 1% of the people that are actually making money from this. I am talking about the people that are unable to understand the purpose of social networking. Luxurious and lovely are not adjectives that I relate with sausages. Oh yeah, you hike and you are an adoring happy couple with so much money and free time. It IS absolutely incredible indeed. Look! We also got a gorgeous blonde baby! Let's use him as an excuse to brag even more. Why on earth am I interested in seeing their vacations? They are not even reviewing the places they visit! Everything is gorgeous! Marvelous! Amazing! Breathtaking! All they do is post photo after photo of a perfectly shiny and brushed hair (on the beach? who can manage that?), smiling like a sheep with eyes slightly closed whilst looking at the horizon and a caption like "blessed. happy. thankful. #iamanasshole". In a very original sunset. You could say I am envious and you would be totally right: I AM envious, I want to be on that fucking 5 stars hotel in Bali too, but there is no way I can afford it with my very regular salary and middle class lifestyle and asshole bank insisting on making me pay for my credit cards and the goddamned electricity bill that simply won't stop arriving. As far as I know, mostly NO ONE can afford to live in an eternal awesome super expensive vacation, jumping from paradise to paradise, just to show up every day in Instagram posting gorgeous places, tasting amazing (and expensive!) food and giving stupid fake inspirational quotes. If your account is not monetized, you are just bragging. And creating a public Instagram account for this means that you didn't have enough with rubbing your lifestyle to your family and friends: you need the whole world to know how amazing your life is. And don't even get me started with the fucking hippies going to poor countries and posting photos with very poor and sad folk that allows it, talking about giving back to the earth and being one with nature and "learning from the experience". We all know that you went there because it was cheaper.
It's 2015 and we still don't have a hoverboard, but instead, we created THIS. No cure for cancer, no solution to poverty or hunger, but the human race have developed the perfect way to instantly show around 500 persons just how stupid we are. The only use these dumb inventions have is to hit people in the head when they are taking a picture with a selfie stick.
I also hate the word selfie, btw. The Oatmeal has developed a great flowchart to know if you need one: You don't know who the hell he is and you already hate him, don't you? This moron is the son of Marvin Gaye, this american singer that was a hit a long time ago, around the 70's. He is dead. I guess that Marvin Jr. and his family already spent all of Marvin's well deserved fortune, and hungry for more, filed and won a lawsuit against these guys: because their song resembled "the feeling" of "Got to give it up". That's right: they didn't copy the lyrics, or the melody, they didn't do sampling. They "channelled that 70's feeling", and paid dearly for it. How far can this ruling go? Can David Bowie sue Duran Duran? Can The Beatles sue Oasis? Should we just stop creating new songs because they might feel like something that someone else felt 30 years ago?
I also hate the incredible stupid jury, and of course, the half-witted judge, but since I can't find their names or pictures, I'll just keep my flow of hate directed to Marvin Gaye III. He asked for 25 million dollars, for sentimental damage or some other invented bulls**t, more than twice what the song made, and he also wants the song eliminated from the face of the earth because it its damaging "his father's legacy". I hate the damn song, but just because he can go to hell, I will listen to it every day until I die. They are everywhere, reminding us that life is beautiful as a wave or easy as a sunrise. Or a sunset. Or a tree. Or a random landscape. Or a mountain with snow. Or a baby. Or birds. Or baby birds. Or Helvetica. So much wisdom! Stay positive, keep on going, don't give up, embrace challenges, don't be afraid, make mistakes, learn from them, get up, don't look down, be fierce, be kind, work hard. They all look like something a mean boss would put in the office walls to keep employees from realizing that they are being exploited and trying to convince them that they will be (eventually) rewarded for all the bulls**t they are taking. Curiously, half of the motivational quotes that are going around are from Einstein. Apparently, the man never shut up. The background is a very important factor, with the wrong background the meaning might be lost forever. Oh yea, they do. And lately, we've been having a new variation of the old wisdom quotes, that are more like random idiotic thoughts that generate more questions than answers. I hate these even more. Happily, there are good human being that help us understand the occult meaning behind these deep thoughts. But as long as we have a nice uplifting backdrop, everything is going to be ok.
It's not that I don't like pop music, because I do like pop music. Even when it's dumb and superficial. But this is just too much, too trashy, too ugly to bear. I hardly ever look music videos and it was in my bad luck that I had to choose this one to see. She looks disgusting! And she probably smells like the devil's armpit, and agh... brushing your teeth with whisky? What the hell? And the scene with the kids admiring her tacky bike? Does Ke$ha thinks of herself as a role model? (God protect us all!) Although the first comment deserves a standing ovation:
omg really?... riding the trend much? This "psychiatrist" has the same professional ethic than Saul (remember him? Better call Saul?). The idea is brilliant: let's talk about "50 shades of grey" in a patronizing way before anyone else and get a lot of likes and shares. The worst part is that the strategy succeeded: I saw this on my Facebook wall at least 30 times. If the girls are going to be influenced by this stupid movie, then oh please, let's start banning the rest of the movies or tv shows that can be misinterpreted by young neglected teenagers. For instance, any HBO series must be eliminated: titties and rough medieval sex everywhere, incest, children-killing, betrayal... and that is only the first episode of Game of Thrones! And for the record: I did read 50 shades, I did enjoy it, and I did found it absolutely dumb. I will never understand it's success, nor the passions raised by such book. It was very light reading, not good enough or bad enough to be deserving of a long paragraph on a social network. Although, this was worth it: Isn't this just awful? Who on earth said: "oh yes, this is awesome, let's make all the kids in the freaking world watch it!"? A blind person? An evil person? A blind evil person? I hate this freaking pig with all my guts, this pink penis-faced (oh yeah, I said it, the faces are shaped like a penis) dumb pig that seems to be everywhere now. There are so many poor talented cartoonist in the planet, but no, these are the ones that get the money. And if you are still thinking that she is not that ugly, please check out Peppa Pig's Dad: Somebody should be punished for this.
Since Pinterest arrived, everyone has tried at least once to do some ugly brilliant do-it-yourself idea. With a set of incorrect and incomplete instructions (worst than IKEA's!) you will find yourself surrounded with broken pieces of stuff that were once useful (like hangers or an old t-shirt), and now are just trash. Half-way through the project you realize that you are spending too much time and resources on this foolishness, but now you are committed and need to see this s**t through. I tried to do this cute cat tent for my bitter cat in a specially cold winter. Simple enough huh? Fast, gorgeous... The only detail is that my hangers are not perfect long tent-poles and they broke if I insisted too much in making them presentable. And the t-shirt, well, obviously the idea was to use an old t-shirt, not a brand-new one. So the result was sort of a very sad trash pile, something like this: But with no one inside, since my cat flatly refused to go near that ugly thing.
Let's face it... we all played a little with this, during the FIRST 5 MINUTES. But then it was everywhere, 80% of your Facebook friends posted the damn dress, and every stupid viral website tried to explain the "facts" behind it. Some people tried to use it as a political or even a social statement: Really? Really?!? Let's talk about lack of creativity! And... let's ride the viral wave!!! ugh... just... go to hell. And, to make imbecility eternal, the crown jewel: I really hope this guy fades away before his genes enter the genetic pool.
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